... and Why are they able to make us feel sometimes so good and sometimes so bad?
... Perhaps, because toxic relationships are extremely vertical.
By "vertical", I mean that they are never complete. On the contrary, these relationships are highly focused on a theme within an otherwise "empty" outline.
Let us take an example.
We assume that a "healthy" relationship involves different levels of complexity and overall fulfilment in different contexts: usually there is mental harmony, a sexual understanding, as well as planning, common interests, and perhaps similar values.
In short, a fulfilling relationship satisfies as many different needs as the contexts that people inhabit in their heads.
A "toxic" relationship, on the other hand, does not work like that.
Inititally, this type of relationship presents itself as not only healthy but even idyllic: it feels like the relationship one has always wanted to have but thought it belonged only to fairy tales.
It begins with the satisfaction of certain important needs, achieves and the person opens up thinking 'if it satisfies these needs with such intensity, who knows what else it can achieve'.
The problem is that when the relationship deepens, and the dizziness of falling in love wears off, one realises that its ceiling is made of glass: beyond a certain point, the relationship and stiffens and is completely barren in all the other areas of life.
As we continue to believe ourselves when thinking 'but THAT need was 100 per cent satisfied', we remain anchored in a situation that feels more and more critical, more and more toxic, until we find the strength to be able to free ourselves from it.
This is why toxic relationships are so intense because they become paradoxical and the person cannot understand how the toxic partner is so capable of satisfying some needs and so incapable of satisfying all others.
What are toxic relationships: definition and meaning
A working definition of “couple” could be of “two individuals who can move between closeness and separateness in relation to one another” (Morgan, 1999), while relying on the shared space of their relationship, to which they “belong” and that both contribute to create and maintain.
In a 'healthy' couple, the ability to move through the three dimensions of being the subject, the object and the observer of a relationship allows one to retain a sense of separateness from their, partner whilst “belonging to” the relationship with them.
In a 'toxic' one, partners tend to not feel free to be themselves in the presence of the other.
In a way, we might say that they are stuck in a dimension of closeness-distance: they “must” be close, because ending the relationship would mean being forced to experience ithe pain of losing all the points of reference.
Despite this, they are also distant, because neither of them validates the other as a “real” other, that is, an "other" that is not felt as the extension of one's self.
We could define a toxic relationship as any relationship between people who are not mutually supportive, where there is conflict and in which one tries to undermine the other. There is competition, as well as a lack of respect and cohesion.
While every relationship goes through ups and downs sometimes even resulting in relationship crises, a toxic relationship is constantly draining for the people involved, to the point that the negative moments often outweigh the positive ones. Toxic relationships are mentally, emotionally and perhaps even physically damaging to one or both partners.
The red flags: what are the symptoms of toxicity?
Symptoms of a toxic relationship include any form of violence, abuse or harassment, which should be addressed immediately. But in many cases, the signs that help us understand if a relationship is toxic are much more subtle.
The first, and simplest, is persistent unhappiness.
If a relationship makes us feel constantly sad, angry, anxious or 'resigned, like we feel exhausted', it could be a toxic relationship. One may also feel envious of happy couples.
Negative changes in one'sone's mental health are all alarm bells.
Other signs of a toxic relationship are:
Lack of support
Healthy relationships are based on a mutual desire to see each other succeed in all areas of life. But when a relationship is toxic, every achievement becomes a competition. The partner is often absent or unreachable and there is a feeling of settling for crumbs.
Non-communication
Instead of treating each other with kindness, most of your conversations are filled with sarcasm, criticism or open hostility. One of you may even avoid raising issues so as not to cause tension, keeping all problems to yourself. In other cases, communication becomes ambiguous, resulting in gasligthing, a real psychological manipulation.
Controlling behaviour
Obsessive jealousy is usually a major component - and problem- in toxic relationships. Always asking where your partner is and getting excessively angry when he or she does not immediately respond to messages are both signs of control mania, which can contribute to the toxicity of a relationship.
Control can also express itself through emotional manipulation when one partner controls (more or less consciously) the other to achieve his or her own ends: 'If you love me, you must do it is one of the phrases used to enact emotional blackmail.
Resentment
Resentment consists of holding on to grudges and letting them deteriorate intimacy, not fully understanding what the anger is hiding. Over time, frustration can build up and make a small chasm much bigger.
Dishonesty
A relationship is toxic when you find yourself constantly making up lies about where you are or who you are meeting to avoid spending time with your partner.
And this is also true in long-distance relationships.
Constant stress
Every relationship goes through stressful times, but constantly finding yourself on the edge is an indicator that something is wrong.
This constant stress can put a strain on your physical and emotional health.
In violent relationships, it is possible to experience real post-traumatic stress.
Ignoring your needs
Synchronicity between two people is one thing; it is another to go along with whatever your partner wants to do- even when it goes against your wishes or comfort level.
This is another sign of toxicity. For example, you might accept a holiday that your partner has planned on dates that are not convenient for you.
Lost relationships
You have stopped spending time with friends and family, either to avoid conflict with your partner or to go around having to explain what is going on in your relationship.
Soon you may find that your free time is focused exclusively on your partner.
The metaphor of toxic relationships
The metaphor of 'toxic relationships' is socially used to represent a way of living with one's partner: one stays together with a person despite recognising how it can hurt.
When trying to define the 'toxicity' of one's relationship, one can find expressions such as:
"I feel I am living a toxic love".
"I am addicted to the relationship"
"I no longer tolerate this situation".
The test of a toxic relationship
The first step in becoming aware of a toxic relationship is to ask yourself a few questions:
How can I recognise a toxic relationship?
How can I get out of it?
Why do I always find myself in toxic relationships?
How do I protect myself from toxic relationships?
Why do I always have to feel bad?
It is precisely in these moments that the question becomes the first and most important answer.
If experiencing feelings of suffering can become an opportunity to question the relationship between oneself and one's relationship, questions are the tool that can generate a possibility for change.
Sometimes, however, asking questions like the ones we have listed triggers a cause-blame-justification mechanism. This does not allow one to imagine new solutions: on the contrary, it confirms that what one is experiencing 'is indeed a toxic relationship' to be recognised, avoided or terminated.
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